GAMEFURY

Five Most Annoying “Innovations” in Video Game Design

For every innovation that revolutionizes gaming on a level that leads to re-establishing a genre or the industry in general, there are a number that make every gamer’s face melt off in a way that could only be described as the final scene in Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark. If this “face melting” does not ensue, there will be cursing of the mere existence of such an idiotic feature. If this does not come to fruition, dramatic actions performed such as tossing the console out the window with extreme prejudice are inevitable. Worth noting is the fact the game still remains firmly lodged in the drive during the final descent.

Gamers typically love or hate these games and innovations for a number of reasons… and many games of the past have gained much cult attention and lore for being so bad or ahead of the times gamers cannot fathom what this regression or innovation means to future generations. The masses see these innovations as nothing more than a series of painful experiences similar to the repeated passing of a kidney stone or setting the world record for lumbar punctures (commonly referred to as a spinal tap. And I’m not talking about the movie “This is Spinal Tap” – that movie is awesome) in a single day. And without further ado, I give you – the top five crappies design features in video games!!!!

Crappy Design Feature #5 – The “Vehicle Level”

So what happens when you take a side scrolling, 3D adventure, or First Person Shooter game and add a level that takes place almost exclusively on a vehicle??? Rarely, you end up with what the developers intended the experience and level to be. This product represents the equivalent of “gaming gold” – yes, the levels are done so well and integrate seamlessly into the gameplay and controls it feels as a mere extension of the game as it well should.

Most of the time, you get a clunky level that is the equivalent of a gaming root canal. The controls for driving a vehicle are like driving those cars equipped with “drunk driver software.” You wonder why you can’t turn the direction you want or at the time you want. Taking part of this “Don’t Drink and Drive” research in high school, you seriously end up believing the developers are trying to screw with you by implementing such ridiculously imprecise controls on a highly technological vehicle. I mean, these levels usually take place in the not so near future – the vehicles should handle better than a Sam’s Club shopping cart with two wobbly wheels in a discount warehouse!!!!

On top of using a vehicle, classic games have levels that move so fast that there is usually no way to reasonably control the aforementioned supermarket cart through a windy F1 track at speeds in excess of what seem to be capable of breaking the sound barrier. It starts off nice and slow, gradually building to a speed capable of ripping a hole in the space/time continuum. You don’t believe me??? Play Battletoads for the NES… you’ll soon agree with me.

Holy stale bread, Toadman… these slices of frosted cake are like brick walls!!!!

However, the vehicle controls are usually not the real issue of the famed vehicle level in current generation games. As a single player in the game, you are usually charged as the “gunner” for the vehicle with the overly intelligent AI as the driver (sense my sarcasm – I’m laying it on pretty thick). As we all know, you never know when evil or hordes of crazy aliens will strike. In fact, they will strike from every direction in waves that would make a tsunami look like a soft ripple in Magen’s Bay. Play any of these levels in the hardest difficulty and you will die in about four seconds or your vehicle will blow up and go rolling across the terrain, off a cliff, or into a rock wall.

Whoever came up with the concept of this design innovation obviously had seen too many Fast and Furious movies, and had a man-crush on Paul Walker. On top of that, they were probably seriously into S&M or cut themselves with a knife for a good time. Since I don’t consider myself in either of those categories in a singular or aggregate level, I hope Darwin was right about natural selection and this innovation falls off a cliff like a drunk lemming. 

Crappy Design Feature #4 – Bad Plot Twists and Interaction

Every now and again, you get those plot twists and controllable choices that get talked up by developers and critics, only to be horribly disappointed. You sit there waiting for that final “OH SNAP!!!!” moment and get the equivalent of what we all experienced when seeing Cloverfield in the theatres: pure and unadulterated disappointment in ways that can only be described as Lex Luthor’s hate for Superman.

I mean, what is the deal??? Are you not original enough to come up with a plot or a twist that hasn’t been in 80% of video games to date? I mean, saving the princess never gets old – but it never turns out she is a hermaphrodite or is ugly and you boot her to the curb. Now THAT’S original. I bet that game would sell millions just based on the twist, just don’t overhype it as the next epic game/movie/book like James Cameron loves to do. If everyone is going to baste Michael Bay for demanding things to be awesome and full of explosion, James Cameron should be charged with creating everything epic. I mean, he pretty much created the word based on his egocentric claims. But I digress…

Serious issues described are listed with the over-populated, overdone, and weak themes constantly used in mediocre and over-hyped games:

• The hero is really the villain, but you never saw that coming!!!!
• Your moral choices affect the outcome of the game. Wait, no they don’t – but since you won’t play through twice you’ll never know that!!!!
• In order to save the world, you need to die in some dramatic and sacrificial manner.
• Okay, now that you beat the game – get out before the collapsing [enter structure here such as temple, skyscraper, alien hive, space ship, or horse rectum] kills you and the mission is lost!!! Wait, you did everything right??? Then it doesn’t matter if you live, but get out alive!!!!

After many years of gaming and watching epic failures occur from good concepts, every time I see one of these games surface from E3 or any of the other expos, I giggle a little to myself. Mostly because all the fan boys will jump on the train and have naïve hopes and dreams for what could be and how awesome it would be if the developer does it exactly as they think it will. However, it never happens that way. Constraints of resources, time, money, and deadlines rear their ugly heads and offer to us what most of America’s GNP is: worthless crap that breaks after a few uses. So, what is the lesson learned here? Try to do everything that has already been done and fail miserably in the process, or take a chance and possibly still fail miserably in the process while being original.

Crappy Design Feature #3 – Saving Some Character by Protecting (or Dragging) Them through a Level

Wow, some genius figured out that video games should be more like the movie Platoon, Saving Private Ryan, and every movie about General Custer. In fact, no man (woman or child) is ever left behind in any video game by any REAL hero. As such, the hero will usually get peppered with bullets, axes, and deadly gas while trying to save an otherwise hopeless character. Your thanks, a not-so-genuine “thanks” or whatever slang words the developers threw in to connect with the youth of the current generation.

Hold me tighter as you stand behind me, Ashley!!! Yourcourage will shield my fragile body!!!

In fact, I have never seen this done well in a game. No matter what your previous pace was through the game, you are now at the mercy of your new “sidekick.” This typically means you move too slow, get shot at too much, and keep getting axed by zombie enemies resulting in many deaths. And if you don’t get killed by something, if they manage to die – you have to do it all over again from the previous checkpoint. Hope this level has checkpoints…

This is only furthered by swearing at the retarded AI character you are trying to save because they can’t use their legs or keep getting scared, often running and hiding in a corner while crapping their pants like your relatives in an assisted living home. These often “rational” actions cause an even slower pace than before, when they were at least moving along with you and not trying to impede any sort of progress.

Famous moments exist in these types of games??? Oh yes, they are many and if you are any kind of gamer you will recognize them as soon as I say them. Among my favorites are:

• Ashley Graham: Resident Evil 4
• Emma Emmerich: Metal Gear Solid 2
• Jeff the Cameraman: Uncharted 2

The best part about the characters being saved is they do nothing but whine and complain. You eventually convince them everything is going to be okay in the end of all of this and they decide to go along with you. They are fine with everything going on until you exit the often isolated room where they were, and an onslaught of enemies comes inexorably toward you. Commence garment soiling, as I know most of us would if not properly armed with a stockpile of weapons and no fear of death (which they usually don’t – unlike the hero).

From my point of view, you can see this fine design innovation coming. Someone gets hurt, or has no formal training in being a hero or total badass. You simply groan and complain about how stupid this part of the game is, but the worst part of the game is how the character acts and how slow they go. In an area that you have previously cleared of enemies, they now come in waves and seem stronger than they were before. Instead of only having to worry about yourself, you now have to worry about not dying and saving the other character from dying who usually has significantly less life than you.

I liken this type of level to babysitting, and you know what??? I HATE BABYSITTING!!!! If I wanted to deal with a bunch of whiny, self-loathing, blabbering wastes of flesh I’d be a babysitter. But, I’m playing a video game. I want to shoot things, jump over pits without dying, and save the damn world!!!! This isn’t the babysitter’s club or some child care business. Don’t force something like this on me when I never asked for it. At least give me a choice, then at least when I complain the developers can look back and say “Hey sucker, you’re the idiot that chose to save them!!!!” Then, I wouldn’t have an argument against this type of design. It wouldn’t stop me from ranting about what bulls**t you have to go through when making the choice and having to suffer through the consequences or going through the “rescue sequence” – but at least you get a choice.

Crappy Design Feature Runner-Up – AI Teammates with the Mental Capacity of a Wood Block

As games became more advanced, developers came into the idea of “If we put more players to interact with in the game, this will make the gaming experience better!!!!” Well, it does… when done right. When they act the way a good friend or actual person would in the form of an AI character or non-playable character, that is when this feature is at its best and implemented correctly.

This correct way to do cooperative AI is evident in a number of systems and games over the past decade. Most recently, the various teammates in Uncharted 2 appear to use an intelligent AI system and do not die constantly. Also, on the FPS front – Modern Warfare 2 appears to have a reasonable AI system in place worthy of the elite squad it seems to follow.

However, most of the time you have a bunch of teammates that constantly eat your healing items (here’s looking at you Shiva, in Resident Evil 5) or requires being saved when you in fact are the one that needs saving (yep, referring to the worthless Garza in Killzone 2). In fact, just once I wish I could have killed my teammates myself and not been punished with having to start the level over. Hold that AED (or whatever it is) up to Garza’s head and see if he makes it through that, or spray Shiva with flesh eating bacteria or AIDS instead of first-aid spray just to spite her negligence when surrounded by infected, hostile native Africans.

This feature was almost non-existent in earlier games, due mainly to the RAM limitations of the cartridges or technology available. This means the current developers who have been given this technology to make games better have been abusing it, using it vastly for the deeds of evil instead of assisting the gamer the entire way through the game. Based on the technology and horrendous implementations that exist today, I could only imagine what the end product would have been in these earlier games. I envision it to look like “Sloth” from the Goonies and act like Arnie Grape… which, while entertaining might not have been of much help. To illustrate, let’s take a look at a simple math equation:

+

= Co-op AI

I guess the point is: don’t add cooperative AI just to do it. If you can’t do it right, you are better off not doing it at all. It’s kind of like dating a second cousin – I mean, by law it’s kosher… but that doesn’t make it right by any accord.

The Crappiest Design Feature Ever – “The Water Temple”

After much research, data compiling, and discussions with gamers of all types, ages, and tastes that I totally made up to support an argument probably only backed by insane monkeys (or drunken lemmings) – I believe I have found the crappiest design feature ever. I statistically ran the numbers, and they check out. Heck, I’m sure even the election committee in Florida would agree with me on this one. The dubious prize goes to the infamous Water Temple on this list of unremarkable achievements in game design. Regardless of what genre of game you play or enjoy, you have undoubtedly come across this epidemic that has razed otherwise superb video game designs.

The worst of the water temples can be claimed by Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time temple, but frequently appears in this series. Zelda: OoT was not the water level’s first villainous appearance. In fact, the earliest memory I have of this haunting design feature was the awkward swimming of a fat man named Mario. Desperately waving his arms in what looked like a backwards crawl swimming style, he tried to avoid his head getting humped by a squid named Blooper and avoid a high speed collision with Flying fish who is puckered up, ready for some action, and appears to be cracked out. 

Another point worth noting is that these anomalous acts of nature are not indigenous to 3^rd person action/adventure games as gamers most know them today. No, they have been in all types of games and genres. From the 2D platformer to first person shooters, these levels plague the existence of all gamers, tastes, and consoles. No type of gamer is saved from the persecution of lunacy these levels induce.

Remember the first time you saw Sonic the Hedgehog drown when he can’t find any of those monstrous air bubbles, Earthworm Jim’s “Bubble Sub” level where the submarine made of glass implodes, the NES Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles side-scroller where you had to disarm the bombs, or finally… Mega Man 2 which will not be discussed in length, as I would probably heave my laptop out the window just reflecting on it. For the PC gamers out there, I’m sure you remember Gordon Freeman’s fine tangle with this formidable foe in the first Half Life… no? Then you probably expunged it from your long term memory long ago during a visit to your shrink to treat your anger management issues along with “not being hugged enough.”

Anytime a player encounters a pool of water, there is fear that instantly spreads through all limbs and digits and eventually leads to numbness. Dealing with near-impossible controls coupled with the threat of suffocation or drowning is only further usurped with horrendously disorienting environments. As gamers constantly tap the action or “swim” button and wildly use the D-Pad or stick to maneuver their character that never learned to swim apparently, danger is never far in the form of spikes or other deadly life forms pursuing you. If this was not bad enough, you constantly have to worry about the threat of drowning and finding a new source of air during these periods of inferior navigation. I would liken it to trying to find and disable a live grenade in a room filled with thick, black smoke – it is a lose/lose situation. So, by my counts experiencing this type of level is like being in a three-some, and I’m not talking about the cool kind!!!

What’s that smell??? Oh yeah, I forgot - I just crapped my pants!!!!

 Usually touted as many gamers’ least favorite level in general, the water level is a feature that should be returned to the depths of hell from which it came. In fact, upon coming to water temples most gamers consider whether or not to see the game through the end. As the ultimate bane to consumers, this design “innovation” seems to invoke an oxymoron or contradiction of attributes and criteria for completion. Combining extremely deadly enemies that require a cautious approach with a finite, unspecified time limit threatening instant death of drowning in the form of a generic blue bar, this experience is the equivalent of a flying great white shark with motion sensing lasers strapped to its head. You don’t ever want to stumble upon that… even if you are in a stealth bomber.

The developer who came up with this idea and actually implemented it embodies everything the devil stands for. In fact, the mere act of completing one of these levels is about as fun as fornicating with a wood chipper. However, the relief provided once passed is equivalent to finding out your prom date isn’t pregnant a month after prom. So, how do you prevent this design flaw going forward? Just stay away from water and never have Poseidon or any other water god or creature in your game as a main enemy or plotline in a game. You never hear anyone saying “man, I just wanted that water temple to keep on going” after they finished a game. NEVER!!!!

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